There is constant desire for my soul to be with God. I feel compelled to pray, think, and worship God whenever I can, and when I am not I am unsatisfied. Even in prayer, I long to be with God. There is constant unrest inside of me. Yet, I know that this is all a test. A test to show God our love for Him. This "test" is the human life, and the suffering that comes along with it. That suffering is God's love. It is as though one was ill, so they went to the doctor, who, in order to cure them, had them take an awful pill that caused them pain for several days until the sickness eventually was lifted.
(I'm reading the biography of Padre Pio, so if I seem like I'm in a "dark place"-- you know why. =D)
God doesn't present Himself to me always. When it seems as though God has abandoned me in the midst of darkness, I find that suffering, is God's love. It is part of God's test to me, so that I may show my longing for Him, and my love for Him. So I cling to that. I ask for that. I feel as though I long for that suffering, I long for God. For in that suffering comes a joy that is far greater than the "simple" or "trivial" joys which we inhibit here on earth. It is a peaceful joy. One that puts my soul at peace, and on a path, which I know is where God wants me to be.
Now, some may find this "over the top," but to me it is very real. Our culture has seemed to "water-down" suffering, to something no one wants to endure. I don't look for suffering, and pain. But I don't avoid it. I take whatever comes at me and offer it up to God. I long to carry the cross with Christ. And I say "With Christ" for certain reason; no human is capable of carrying that cross. yet, I strive to help, in any manner it be for me to lift that sacrifice off of Jesus, or souls in purgatory. When doing this I ask for humility. For most of the time, when I do suffer, or I do bear a cross, I try not to show it, yet my immaturity leaks out and I show of that "something is going on with me." I allow others to see the acts of my right hand. (Pride is the root of all evil) Whereas, "God will reward that which is carried out in secret."
God understands our torment here on earth, and recognizes our longing for beauty and rest in Him. That is why He has given u His Son. So that we may be able to become one in Him, that we can be as close to god as humanly possible. We "eat" Him. What an AMAZING God we have, one that recognizes our spiritual and physical thirsts, and needs. Not only does He supply us with that Eucharist, but also "worldly" things such as; music, flowers, art, people, etc. All things that derive from God's goodness, that are given to us to be enjoyed and to grab hold to as joys of the world to come.
I have ignored this over the past few months. I've only looked at how terrible this world is, and how I long to be in heaven. While this is true.. There are great joys here on earth in which God has put there for our happiness so that we may see the full greatness of His glory, and that we may long for more.
I am completely obedient to God and will do whatever He asks of me. For it is in His goodness, and in His strength that I carry out my work, my suffering. Not my own. And I am always ready to undergo whatever He has in store for me. I am ready and willing to suffer. We will all suffer, whatever we can handle. I pray that I am strong enough to handle my own suffering, along with suffering of others. For suffering is the only way to rest in God.
"Let it be done to me according to your word."