Every so often I have to post on vocational discernment because it's one of the reasons I founded my blog and a topic that I will constantly ponder my whole life, for my vocation to God will never be complete.
So much to my frustration, I learned that just because the Lord was calling me to greater union with Him did not mean he was going to show me the way so easily.
Occasionally I would be hit with an especially difficult problem/situation and so I went to Jesus to ask for help, or insight, or strength. Or simply that His will be done. And Jesus got me through those times and will get me through those rough times to come.
I came to realize that my previous attitude of driving myself to success at any cost does not work with God; he works on His time, not mine.
Over and over, I have crashed and burned. And will continue to crash and burn. Yet He continues to show me such mercy and patience. Perhaps God has something waiting around the corner, which is often the case. I have resigned myself to His will...I can do nothing without Him.
I dream of solitude, and the time to praise and sing and to dedicate myself to God, yet I cannot do this as long as I must endure the torment of this world. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything I own so as to have the freedom to exist with God, but I realize that these feelings are often out of selfishness, not selflessness. Maybe the suffering God wants me to endure is being stuck in the ignorance and pain of each day and all of it's challenges. To be where God wants me to be, not where "I" want to be. Now I have to make myself content to depend upon God's will, where I can see no future for myself other than the presence of God and God alone.
Only time will tell. God will reveal himself when He desires, and until that point I will continue to pray, and worship, and to seek holiness in the simplicity of life without worrying about things of this world.
So for now, I am simply myself, and hopefully becoming the young man God wants me to be, whether as a priest, or a father of a priest. "Let it be done to me according to your will!"